*Originally published March 3, 2016

If I were Weather Engineer for the United States there would be seasonal adjustments. Winter would be one month long: from the first day of December until its end. There would be snow, serious snow, but no ice. January 1 Winter would exit—not always politely. The new season would be called Crocus, to herald the arrival of that spring forecaster. Crocus would last a neat two and one-half months, so that Easter will occur during the life-giving days that are teasingly warm and tingling cool. Spring would also have two and one-half months to raise the sap and rev up the spirit.

June 1 and summer arrives! Days would alternate between warm and hot. Some people like to sweat, so there have to be days of heat. Others like A. C., so hot days satisfy the sweaters and the chillers. Warm days are for everyone else; it is only fair.

School convenes and Fall begins on September 1: those perfectly drinkable whiffs of change. Leaves would turn to their brilliant colors overnight and the next day would be a holiday so that everyone could spend the time out-of-doors reveling in the transformation and becoming reacquainted with their neighbors.

I must pause in my calendar construction for a limited detour to consider Indian Summer days.

The average person (if there is such a person) does not fully appreciate the meaning of Indian Summer. There are people, like me, who were puzzled by the pairing of the words, “Indian” and “summer” when the calendar adamantly states summer is gone. I finally figured it out and was wrong—at least into its specificity. Certain tools are needed for determining those days. You must have a weather thermometer, a barometer, and a reliable calendar.

Consulting the Farmer’s Almanac, “What, Why, and When” of Indian Summer these are the parameters they list:

Rule 1: Days are warm and hazy or smoky with no wind.

Rule 2: Nights are clear and chilly.

Rule 3: The barometer is standing high.

Rule 4: This must occur between November 11, St. Martin’s Day, and November 20.

All of these create a high bar and a narrow window.

One selling feature for seasonal adjustments is the ease of remembering onset of seasons. Presently some years Summer begins on June 21; other years it begins on June 20. Then you have to throw in the time: 12:30 a.m., 6:34 p.m., and so on. It is true the dates collect around 20, 21, or 22, but why put us through those tests of memory? We have enough to keep straight already.

It is predicted that this calendar will be desired as often as Facebook friends. Therefore the United States would be willing to allow other countries to adopt the five-season calendar. However, if it catches on in the Southern hemisphere, there may be turbulence in the atmosphere.

I applied for the job of Weather Engineer. I was told there was no vacancy and no retirement of the present Engineer. A Higher Power already has the position. Thank God!

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